This Food Tastes Like Donkey Spunk

I'm feeling particularly disgusted tonight, partly because I keep reading things that irritate the hell out of me and partly because I didn't have the foresight to buy beer while I was out today. So I'll spew venom until I begin to froth at the mouth, at which time I'll watch Waiting... on DVD until my rabies is cured.

Language. I'm tired of people not saying what they mean. In today's comedy, you have racial differences and stereotypes thrown at you. Comics will say the most fucked-up shit and cuss so much that you'll swear you're an eight-year-old kid again, covering your mouth and turning every shade of red because you just said "damn". It seems like that only time it is acceptable for someone to say what they mean is when they are being paid to make fun of your pale, pastrami-eating, motherfucking ass. The exception to that rule is if they have a blog. Fucking give a fucking person a fucking blog and every fucking other fucking word is fucking "fuck".

Moving on.

"This food tastes like you-know-what!"
"This food tastes like shit!"

The second sentence is the more effective one. It simply states that the food is horrible and not for human consumption. How horrible is it? It tastes like shit. Unless you're a man in drag at the end of a John Waters flick, shit is something that you don't want to smell, much less eat. You don't have to have ever eaten shit to know it's bad. To change "shit" to "you-know-what" kills all the emphasis and intensity of the sentence. You-know-what could be any-fucking-thing. "Spot on, old chap! This does taste very similar to chocolate pudding! Exquisite!" Now don't you look like quite the asshole? Not only did she or he have no clue to what you were referring to, now you have to eat something that tastes like shit because you don't want to come off as rude.

I understand that there are words you shouldn't say in polite company. So, I am making a list of cuss words and their acceptability in society for those who worry about these kinds of things.

Pansies.

Tier 1
Damn, Hell, Pissed (meaning either drunk or angry)
These words are hardly cuss words at all. In most cases if you incorporate one of the above words into a joke or anecdote, you will be sure to get a laugh. For further proof, pick out any movie where a bunch of rich, white people get together. Wait for the camera to follow the main character to a group of people huddled together near a doorway or a fireplace. Once he (and it is always a he) gets within earshot of the conversation, I guarantee that you will hear one of those words in the punchline.

Tier 2
Bitch, Ass, Piss (meaning to urinate),
It' possible to get away with these in the same setting as above, but only if you're in the "rogue section" of the stuck-up, whites only (except for the servers) party. Should you ever utter these words in polite company, you should immediately down your glass of champagne like I down a shot of Whiskey River. You will be immediately be forgiven because you are now seen as the drunk of the party. You will, in fact, gain the support of your peers. All hoity-toity white people love hoity-toity white drunks. Drunk white people say what's really on their minds and get away with it merely because he or she was drunk. Look at Mel Gibson.

Tier 3
Shit, Goddamn (or the fun alternative, Dogdamn), Asshole, Dick (not meaning penis), Pussy (not meaning vagina)
These are the words that are bleeped out of television unless it appears on a premium channel such as HBO or comes on at 1:00 AM on Comedy Central. In all fairness, only part of goddamn and asshole are bleeped or silenced. I'm a strong advocate of putting the "hole" back in asshole. I understand that to call someone an asshole is to call them what is arguably the dirtiest part of the human body, but let's be honest here. What's worse? Being called the whole ass, or the asshole? Besides, calling someone an asshole is as 'merican as apple pie. I believe that if you bleep out or silence the "hole" in asshole, you are aiding terrorism. On the other hand, I'm all for bleeping out the "god" in goddamn. I don't think we bleep out "god" enough in television. As we all know, talking about religion is considered bad form in most circles. There are only three times when it is acceptable to say "god".

1)During sex and only by the woman or the bitch. This should be passed into law.
2)After one of your friends cuts the smelliest fart ever and you can't think of a more horrible interjection to describe your disgust.
3)To say "goddamn".

Then again, I'm a Secularist, so what in the hell do I know?

Tier 4
Fuck (and all of it's derivatives)
Ah, the most versatile word in the English language. I'm not going to rip off the George Carlin bit by going into the diversity of the word, so instead I will cover something not mentioned in his bit about *bleep*'s gift to the English language.

For those of you who have a problem coming up with snappy put downs, "fuck" is the word for you. Whenever you're failing to come up with an insulting name to call someone, say "fuck" and then add any noun after that. No need to add the "-ing" suffix. Examples: fuck ass, fuck clown, fuck board, fuck disc, fuck shit, fuck pants, fuck screen, fuck button, fuck hole. The nouns I just used were either things that randomly popped into my head or were things in front of me. Try it out on a stranger. See if they don't get pissed off when you call them a fuck dart.

Tier 5
Cock, Cunt, Pussy, Tits, Clit, any other term to describe sexual organs other than "penis", "vagina", "breast", "testicles", and "clitoris"
Once again, these words should be spoken only during sex, by the woman or the bitch. And again, this should be passed into law. Only other exceptions are the words "cock" and "cunt". These can be used as put downs that are, more often than not, guaranteed to start a fight. This includes other versions of the words, such as "cock smoker", "cunt muscle", "cock sucker", "cunt licker", "cock surfer", and "cunt smacker".

Now for my personal pet peeve. I've gotten a few complaints about my comma usage. I admit I go a little comma happy from time to time. Sometimes it is not grammatically correct. There are times when it is okay to bend grammar. When I write I'm communicating. Admittedly it's extremely delayed but it is communication nonetheless. I put commas in places where I would pause in my speech even if it is only a slight pause. The rest of the time I put a commas in places where they are supposed to be according to the rules of grammar. Sometimes I leave them out when I want to convey that everything said is rushed together or said in one breath. A good example of that is this entire paragraph to this point. This shows a variety of emotions. Like annoyance. I find that by bending grammar rules you can provide a more natural writing style that sounds more like speech. Then again my detractors would know all this if they ever read a goddamned book in their entire, sad, fucking existence, that they call a life! Thankfully, for every one of them, there are 25 people who realize why I use the words and grammatical devices I use.

And now for something completely different.

I need whitey to stand up now and hold up your right hand. Repeat after me. "I will not say 'the n-word.' If I say 'the n-word' I will have the person I most love remove my brain with a broken bottle." If you're not white, find a white person and make him or her stand up, raise their right hand, and make them repeat necessary lines. Say the word you mean and quit hiding. "But, but, but if I say the word I mean, I'll get my ass kicked or shot!" Then maybe, follow me on this, just maybe, you should consider not even thinking about using a racial slur you dumb fucking redneck! If you're going to pussify your vocabulary, be consistent. Say what you mean and prepare for the consequences. Don't change your vocabulary based upon the race of the people around you. Moreover, if you aren't going to say the actual word, don't dress it up and pretend that it is an acceptable version of the word.

Remember, "this food tastes like shit". Remember the Five Tiers of Acceptable Language, should you choose to not worry about offending the people around you. Remember to read a goddamn book. Most importantly, remember your brain will be removed with a broken bottle if you ever say "the n-word".

Lesson Over.

First One

The first one is always the bitch to write.

Excuse the current layout. I only made this a short while ago. I have a strong dislike for pre-made layouts. I hope to change it soon.

I'm not new to the blogging world. I've been blogging at easyjournal since about 2002 or so. I had a good run there, but it's time for something different.

So here are some things you should know about me.

I say what I mean. I don't dance around issues, I merely say what I think. Although, I do try to stay within the boundries of the TOS. I know having balls on a blog is akin to film critics hailing Citizen Kane as the greatest movie ever. However, I am hardly ineffectual "IRL". I've been described in many ways, but Randal sums it up best. Granted I have more control over what I say and how I say it, but I'm not afraid to set loose my tongue.

My music tastes are varied. At the end of every entry I make a list (which I like to call "The Drill") of the music I listen to while writing and proofing said entry. I do this as an added dimension to what I'm writing. I surmise that by giving a list of the music that I listened to, one can get a better understanding of my mindset at the time. So instead of listing off a bunch of musicians, just check out the end of my entries.
Presently, I live in a small town called Adel in Southwest Georgia. That will be changing, as I will be moving to New York, New York at the beginning of the year. From what I keep hearing, I belong there. In addition to that, I'll be going to the New York Film Academy in June.

I'm a big fan of webcomics and here is a list that I particularly enjoy:

• http://www.questionablecontent.net
• http://alienlovespredator.com
• http://www.somethingpositive.net
• http://www.queenofwands.net (the story is done, but that's what archiving is for)
• http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com
• http://www.reallifecomics.com
• http://www.penny-arcade.com
• http://www.vgcats.com

I can also be found online at
Myspace

I will post something that I wrote a little while ago so you can see what the types of things you're in for.

The Drill
Seether - Beacause of You
Johnny Cash - (Ghost) Riders in the Sky
John Lennon - Working Class Hero
Switchblade Symphony - Naked Birthday